Having a baby; it’s what many married couples dream of and what some couples fear! We were one of those couples that couldn’t wait to have a baby. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, we couldn’t stop talking about our baby’s arrival. I guess we were too naïve to have any real fears! We knew life would change; that’s something everyone knows about starting a family. But, we were ready. We had enjoyed our independence and wouldn’t mind giving up the freedom that comes with being simply a couple. But, nothing can prepare you for having your first child.

When Cale was born it was a magical moment. We couldn’t wait to get our little guy home from the hospital. I remember that first night at home. I was so tired because I had gone into labor at about midnight on a Friday night. So, I had zero sleep that night. Then, the next night after having the baby, the nurses kept bringing him in to me to feed. So, that night I had very little sleep. By our first night home, I was so exhausted, but running on adrenaline. Cale seemed like a fairly easy, low maintenance baby so far. We could handle this. Then, it was time for bed and just as I was falling asleep duty called. Duty kept calling many times that night. Even when Cale was asleep I couldn’t fall asleep due to nerves and overtiredness. By our 2nd day at home, I thought I was going to have a meltdown. I remember it seemed like people kept stopping by. I was appreciative but at the same time company made me even more tired and nervous.

People tell new mothers that they should rest when company is over, but that was impossible for me. I felt the need to be with my baby and hated leaving him alone for very long. I remember on our 2nd or 3rd night home, some family came over at about 7:30 in the evening. People who haven’t had kids have no idea what it is like those first few days, so I don’t hold it against them! But I remember they stayed until 9:00 or 9:30 and by the time they were about to leave, I was almost going out of my mind. I was so tired, so frustrated, so scared, so annoyed at everyone, and mainly just so worn-out I couldn’t be rational. I remember when they left I had my meltdown and my husband just looked at me and said, “Are you going through post-partum depression or something?” Not the words I wanted to hear. In return I think I gave him some words he didn’t want to hear! Luckily, my husband insisted that I go to bed and let him do all the night feedings that night. I could hardly stand to do it, but it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I woke up a new person, or at least more like my old self. Sleep deprivation can make you feel like you’re going insane.

New mothers, you’re not crazy, you’re just overwhelmed and fatigued.

After a few days, my husband and I seemed to get in the swing of things. Not to say that everything was easy, but we were coping and feeling a little more confident. But after about 5 days of nonstop baby duty, it hit me. A realization that I believe most new parents come to. My freedom was gone, forever. I felt that I might never ever do one fun, carefree thing again. No more time alone, no more evening trips to Hastings for coffee or Sonic for a malt, no spur-of-the moment out of town trips for shopping. No more date nights to the movies, or dinners out alone as a couple; we had completely lost our independence. Now of course looking back, I can see that I was being a bit dramatic but the decline in freedom can be a little stunning. No matter how prepared you think you are, you can never understand the life change until it happens to you.

We had a winter baby so the cabin fever was even worse because we were told to keep our baby indoors for 6 weeks. I remember feeling depressed, especially when my husband went back to work. I was all alone, from 8:00 until 5:00, every day of the week. Just me and the baby. No one to talk to. No one to help me (people offered but I guess I was too hard-headed and wanted to do everything myself). Just the baby and I. I think that’s why my cell phone bill was $300 that month. I was keeping the lines hot between my husband, my mom, and my sister.

To help with my cabin fever my husband and I started taking Cale for drives during the afternoons. This got me out of the house, but kept Cale inside away from the cold weather all of the germs that winter brings. I think those drives were my saving grace. I felt like I was a part of society again. I remember driving around with my Sonic drink in hand and a sleeping baby in the back. Not quite like old times, but better than sitting in the house all day. Finally, when Cale was 6 weeks old we began to take him out into public, gradually. This was really the first time that I felt like life was going to be semi-normal with a baby, and maybe kinda fun. I felt relief!

Now, 6 months later I still occasionally long for the freedoms of the past. Those freedoms that seem more like a distant dream than a once-lived reality. But, we’ve braved many things with our sweet little guy. Trips to church, dinner, Missourri (twice). An outing to the strawberry patch, picking strawberries with one hand and holding Cale with the other. Endless trips to Wal-Mart for groceries. And last but not least: our recent 12 hour trip to Florida during the middle of the night in hopes that Cale would sleep a majority of the trip. We’ve changed diapers on countertops, the front seat of the car, the back seat of the car while it was moving (of course this diaper had to be a gigantic dirty diaper that had seeped up my child’s back and out onto his onesie. It only took about 15 wipes to clean him all up and wouldn’t you know I didn’t have any baggies to put the dirty diaper or wipes in. And during the process of wiping my child of course he decides he needs to pee, getting himself, me, and most of the backseat wet.) And I thought it would be too much trouble to stop at a bathroom! Through all this we survived every moment, fussiness and all! As your baby gets older and you watch him grow and develop a personality you realize how amazing it is that your life is devoted to him, and it’s completely worth it. The love I feel for Cale is endless. I loved him from day one but it was a different kind of love. Now, my love and bond with him just keeps growing everyday. Sure, he has changed our lives, but it is for the best and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

When your baby is sick, it feels like the world stands still. You are no longer aware of yourself…at all; How do I look? Have I eaten? Did I brush my teeth? Are these the same clothes I had on yesterday? Did I seriously just go in Walgreen’s to get medicine looking like this? I’ve got no makeup on, yesterday’s clothes (which are not-so-fashionably accessorized with spit up and bodily fluids from all ends) and I forgot my contacts so I have to squint as I go down the aisles. Yet, there was not one hesitation, not even a quick glance in the mirror, before hopping in the car to make a Pedialyte run. Oh the joys of parenthood!